On Insecurities

12:33 PM

You are not other people’s opinions of yourself.

I constantly need to be reminded of this. If no one judged us or compared us to one another, we’d never be insecure.
Ever since I was in second grade, I’ve been insecure. I started wishing I was skinnier, had brown eyes and blonde hair. I wish I was more popular, funnier, cool. I wished I was all these things before I could even do long division.

Things only spiraled from there as I got older. As I collected baby fat and grew a tummy, I used to count calories. I exercised, ate less, and cried when I got home from school. I had my lunch stolen from my locker one and put into other people’s lunches, a sign that told me to “eat less.” One time a kid did a presentation and gave out twinkies and I only had a bite of mine before throwing it out. I overheard one kid asking his friend “should I eat it all” and he said “yes, you’re not fat like her.” Is this the sort of environment a sixth grader should be in? I worked out, idolized the girls on TV, and ate healthy. I skipped meals and went to bed hungry. It’s sick to me that at that age or at any age that someone should feel the need to do that. I had dark thoughts and so much pain from being insecure.

I didn’t even know who I was at that point. I was a Barbie, being molded by other people’s opinions and their own insecurities taken out on me. I pinched the fat on my tummy and told myself I was going to save up for liposuction at the age of thirteen. Thirteen. I weighed myself constantly, looked in the mirror, and was disappointed. I didn’t have a clear opinion of myself – I based all my self worth on how others perceived me.

By the time I had my growth spurt I was feeling better, but the insecurities still came in waves. Even when I was at a size two I thought I was fat. I thought my chin stuck out too much, my legs weren’t thin enough, and my arms had too much flab. I only liked myself when people told me I was skinny or pretty.

It’s still hard for me to accept who I am from time to time. I am disappointed by what I’m looking at in the mirror sometimes. I blame my body for when boys don’t fancy me, I regret eating a candy bar, and I often wish I was someone else.

The media tells us to look and act a certain way when we are perfectly made. We are all unique individuals who come in all shapes and sizes with different gifts. Our worth is not based on other people’s opinions. Confidence is sexy, we just need to remember that.

I’m still insecure around new people and about my body. It must be middle school still taunting me. But whenever I’m down I remind myself of my favorite quote from My Mad Fat Diary:

“People can either accept you for who you are or they can fuck off.”

Focus on self-love, look in the mirror and find one thing you like about yourself, and surround yourself with good people. It’s a journey, but the destination is worth it. Although I still don't always love myself, I'm becoming less insecure as I learn to accept myself and surround myself with positive people.

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