Who Am I?

11:17 AM




Who am I?


I feel like I’m constantly asking myself this. I used to know the answer so well. Whenever people told me they were trying to “find themselves” I couldn’t relate to it. “What do you mean find yourself?” I’d think to myself. I thought everyone had a clear sense of self-identity. I always thought that, until I realized I don’t even recognize myself sometimes.

Going into freshman year at university I was confident in who I was as a person. I could rattle off facts about myself to explain who I was. I was the quirky girl from Portland, always dressed in thrifted goods and Dr. Martens, hair always tied back in a scunchie and you could always find a journal and book in my purse. I knew what I wanted to do. I declared public relations (PR) as my major while my friends were all still undecided. I had my dream job lined up, an internship for the summer in Los Angeles ready to go, and a great group of friends. I knew I wanted to do celebrity PR and live in Los Angeles. The city defined who I was. Chill, somewhat superficial (hey, everyone in LA is), a hopeless romantic and a dreamer out of touch with reality. But over the summer I realized I didn’t know who I was anymore, and now, as I write this, I’m lost.

Everyone says that going abroad you “find yourself.” When people asked me what I wanted to get out of abroad, I gave the simple answer. “I guess to find myself,” was the easiest thing to say. I didn’t really have an answer other than living in London had been my dream since before I could talk. Over the summer I lost myself. I hated my internship and I guess I lost part of my identity. Freshman year, being a PR major defined who I was, but since I hated the PR industry, I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore. I still don’t. This semester my favorite professor, Dr. Lalor, asked my on the first day of class what my major was. I said the first thing I could think of. “Journalism.” And for the rest of the semester he called me “Journalism” when he wasn’t busy calling me Young Edwards. He said he could tell that I was journalism, that there was something about me that gave it away. Lalor and I would always have chats about my future (and of course, boys. He loved asking me where I was going and I would sheepishly tell my old Irish professor I was going on a date). He asked me if I had figured out my future and truth is, I haven’t. I don’t know if I want to – it’s all too concrete. Saying journalism is my major feels right but I still don’t know if it’s what I want. I constantly have writer’s block and lack inspiration. I can’t even picture my future, let alone declare a major that will depict my career for the rest of my life.

This semester I’ve grown a lot as a person, but I still feel lost. I identify myself with other people rather than myself. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore or what I want. I’ve met a lot of people who have challenged me and had me experience new thoughts and feelings – things I’ve never know I could feel. I let myself be vulnerable and get hurt. And I get hurt, a lot. But that’s the problem with getting attached to cute British boys with nice accents and passions. I learned a lot about myself in other ways. I learned that I’m not as introverted as I thought I was and that I crave relationships (platonic and romantic). I love talking to people and I hate just sitting in my room. I’ve become more confident, but I still don’t know what I want.

Last week I had to make a hard decision. I’m so indecisive about my coffee, let alone over a human. I know what I wanted, but when it came down to it, it hurt me and I had to let it go. I’m still growing as a person. I’m making mistakes, I’m learning who I am as an individual and with others. I’m figuring out what I want to do with my life, if I even want to go back to Los Angeles next year or if I should try to stay in London. But I’m growing, and that’s all that matters. Maybe I don’t really know who I am, but I know what I want. And maybe that’s OK. I’m only nineteen; it doesn’t need to figured out quite yet. For now, I’m still the girl who wears Dr. Martens, drinks more cappuccinos than I should, gets drunk off of one glass of red wine, and journals endlessly. I’m proud of who I am, and I can’t wait to see who I’ll be next.

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Current Book List

  • Pillow Thoughts
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  • This Modern Love
  • The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  • Looking for Alaska
  • One Day
  • Me Before You

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